I know I promised my next post would be on habits, and it will be – after this one. And after reading it, I hope you’ll understand my excitment about sharing this first.
I had another amazing life opportunity last night. (I have a lot of those these days for some reason.) It’s one I’ve had before – gifted to me by each of my two grown children in their own time and way since their transition into adulthood. I wish this for you too, in your own life journey.
Every time I experience it my heart sings and I feel such deep gratitude for finding the strength and determination to follow through with the most extreme, absolute, non-wavering decision I ever made in my life. It was a decision about being the very best parent I could be, but it wasn’t just about deciding to do things different from the way my parents did them. You know what I mean. There are the typical things all new parents make choices about – like food, discipline, schools and so forth. We all do those – it’s perfectly normal. And we all want to do it better than our parents did it for us. My decision was about going much deeper than that, into my subconscious at a time before such things were understood the way they are now.
Sounds strange, I know, and I’ll share more about it in a few minutes. Right now I’m excited to tell you about last night. On the surface, it might sound like a pretty normal get-together to you. A time to eat, laugh, play a few games and share a little. It was a mom’s night out and all their children, except for Lucas and one tiny beautiful baby girl, were home with their daddies. Lucas, who is 18 months old and my only grandson, went with his daddy to spend the evening with another dad who had 4 little ones to keep up with. Can you just picture it? Two 20-something dads on babysitting and kitchen duty for five very active little kids followed by the challenge of getting them all calmed down for storytime and sweet dreams. Whew!
For me, though, it was a special gift because it was an evening spent with my daughter and some of her closest friends. I live almost 800 miles away so I had only met one of them before and then only for a few minutes.
I was very quiet through dinner. Partly because I felt some discomfort with being there since I didn’t really know anyone except my daughter, but mostly because of the generation gap. It was a bonding time for those young women, and a time to vent if they needed to. I didn’t want my presence to stifle that for them.
It was almost dessert time when I excused myself to take an incoming phone call. When I returned, one of the moms was sharing her disappointment about how her parents have never participated in her life activities. Not now and not in her growing up years. They were always too wrapped up in their own stuff and in watching TV and still are. Others shared a little, too, and then they moved on to more pleasant things.
If it had been me as a young mom with my mom there visiting you can be assured there would have been a great deal of discomfort for me and consequently for my friends, too. I probably would have cancelled or asked to have it at someone elses house to avoid my mom being there to embarrass or shame me.
My daughter had none of those feelings, though. She was proud to have me there and free of concern about what I might do or say or that I might be judgemental of her and her friends.
Her dad and I gifted her and her older brother with everything they needed from us during their childhood to develop high self-esteem and self-confidence. That said, it certainly wasn’t easy!
Their dad came from a much different family life than I did. While there was some disfunction due do all the drinking and emotional abandonment his dad laid on him, the stability of his mom and her very loving and supportive siblings counterbalanced a lot of that. Consequently he came to fatherhood with a fairly healthy mixture of humility and self-confidence.
As for me, both of my parents were very abusive, although I think my mom might not have gone down that road if it weren’t for my father’s influence since her parents were kind and gentle people. The abuse I survived was extreme and i won’t go into detail about it here. I’ve made peace with that part of my life and the few remaining residuals of that painful ordeal aren’t pertinent to this story.
The extreme, absolute, non-wavering decision I mentioned earlier IS the point and I’ll share it now. It’s one I wish more parents would make and follow through with.
Put simply, I committed to being a staunch filter for my children. To filter out all the ugliness handed down from my parents to me. The hardest times were when the kids hit certain ages and situations in their lives that spun me back in time emotionally. When that happened it took everything I had to keep my mind’s eye on what they could become if only I could be strong enough to maintain the status quo. A noble achievement I am deeply proud say was indeed accomplished. And one I couldn’t have done without the never wavering committment of my husband, their father, to our marriage and our family.
We weren’t perfect parents – not by a long shot. And I’m not trying to imply that we were. Our little family had it’s daily ups and downs over the years. I’m tempted to give examples here, but there’s really no need for that. If you’re a parent, you know what I’m talking about because you either lived it or you’re living it right now. The day to day grind can be a tough one.
So I filtered, and filtered, and filtered. I made quality parenthood a top #1 priority in my life. I had to read numerous books trying to learn what a healthy family life looked like because pretty much none of what I experienced behind closed doors fit that category. When I was a baby, young enough that I still sat in a high chair to eat, all of my grandparents got together and challenged my father about how he treated me. They threatened to go to the authorities if he didn’t change his ways and he promptly moved the three of us from one coast to the other – as far away from them as he could take us. We were at his mercy and he made sure it stayed that way.
Years later, as an adult, I stopped the cycle. Not single-handedly, but if I hadn’t recognized the need and committed to it so deeply in my heart, the unsavory family tradition I was “gifted” with would have been handed down and my grandson would already be receiving elements of it today.
Pay attention to what you’re gifting your children and grandchildren with. Is it avoidance while you escape into the TV or computer? Even that seemingly simple thing takes it’s toll on their sense of self and confidence. You have the power. How are you making it count for the children in your life?
As adults, my children now repay my years of hard work and diligence with one of the greatest gifts a parent can receive. Their approval and appreciation. I even got invited to dine with my son and his buddies the last time I was in his town. The respect my children’s friends show to me is a clear testiment to what my kids say about me when I’m not there. A very special gift I treasure with all my heart.
I welcome any insights or personal experiences you may want to share with me, whether privately via email (deemarief [at] j2wealth [.] com) or as a comment below to enrich this new blog and help others like you and me. Either way, it’ll give me the opportunity to recognize your brave effort and congratulate you.
Now, go hug your kid. You both deserve to feel the love.
